dbt COMPANION
Decision Guides

Choosing Your Priority

Decide whether the goal, relationship, or self-respect matters most right now.

Purpose

Helps you choose which interpersonal effectiveness skill to emphasise in a specific situation.

What it Means

In interpersonal situations, you may have more than one goal. You might want to get something, keep the relationship strong, and maintain self-respect. Choosing your priority helps you decide which skill to lead with.

Questions to Ask

1 Objective Is getting a specific result the most important thing right now? If yes, emphasise DEAR MAN.
2 Relationship Is maintaining or improving the relationship the most important thing right now? If yes, emphasise GIVE.
3 Self-Respect Is acting according to my values the most important thing right now? If yes, emphasise FAST.

Example

If you are asking for a refund, your objective may matter most. If you are talking to your child after an argument, the relationship may matter most. If someone pressures you to violate your values, self-respect may matter most.

Tips

  • You can use DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST together.
  • Choosing a priority does not mean ignoring the others.
  • Your priority may change depending on the situation.

Common Pitfalls

  • Trying to maximise every priority equally in every conversation.
  • Forgetting self-respect when approval feels important.
  • Focusing on the objective when the relationship needs repair first.

Try It Now

1 Think of one upcoming conversation.
2 Choose your main priority: objective, relationship, or self-respect.
3 Pick the matching skill: DEAR MAN, GIVE, or FAST.

When to use

Difficult conversations Mixed priorities Conflict Asking for something Saying no